A moment for personal perspective

We were sitting around the big kitchen table of my friend's compound in Karen this morning, drinking coffee, listening to the radio, debating the news.

The Kiss FM morning host was becoming increasingly irrate about the situation in this country. Then, I heard Caroline Mutoko say, "Kenyans are killing Kenyans. There are fires in Nairobi, but houses in Karen are still standing."

True that.

Some of my friends are going a little stir crazy from being unable to get to their businesses, their farms, their homes. But we are safe and, if anything, over-fed in Karen.

I am infinitely greatful to my friends who have fed me, transported me, housed me and given me (essential) internet service over the past week. I know that we have priviledges that the vast majority of people in this country don't have on a good day, let alone in the midst of this growing domestic conflict.

I've been watching each of us respond to the situation here. People are gracious, tired, patient, joking, angry, frustrated and - more than anything - surprised by how this country that we all love has changed over the past week.

It struck me that the wardrobe choices we each made yesterday spoke volumes about how each of us were responding.

Ron wore his usual metrosexual European male attire, but threw on a work shirt before we left for Karen. He says people often mistake the Preesman logo for "Press Man." He thought it might help us get through barricades if we ran into any trouble.

I wore my Journalists for Human Rights shirt for similar reasons, though I'm not sure what credibility a t-shirt would give me in a country where most people are wearing second hand clothes.

Michiel stuck with his tongue-in-cheek cartoon violence wardrobe. But I couldn't help but wonder if the martyred angel he wore was a specific choice. "I am innocent. This conflict has nothing to do with me. Please leave me alone."

Wardrobes aside, our white skin and priviledge have so far kept us out of the way of any real danger. We have talked a little bit about how we will evacuate if need be. But all of us want to stay. Although we may disagree about how the government should respond to the conflict, what the international community should do, we are all committed to staying.

The flower guys will manage farms remotely. The web developer will keep working until there is no web access. The moms will keep taking care of their kids. And I will be here, frustrated by not being in the field, but blogging to the best of my ability.

Stay tuned.

Peace,

Sara

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Evening updates from around Kenya

There seems to be some movement among the political leadership today. Raila met with Desmond Tutu earlier today. He postponed the rally until next Tuesday.

People across the country are calling for a re-tally of the votes. A pollster contact says the ballots have not been secured over the past week, which casts a great shadow of doubt over their validity.

But amid the regional rioting, some radio stations and media are pouring out appeals for peace and calm. People are donating food and clothes and other essentials for people who have been displaced, or who have no access to money.

Here's what I'm hearing from around the country.

Judy in Kisumu says although the riots in town have calmed down, people are still not safe. She says there are widespread reports of women and children being raped in their homes. There is no transport in or out of the area because of informal roadblocks. Judy says if people are stopped in their cars, they are asked for their identification cards. If they are from an opposing group, they are beaten and their cars burned. As elsewhere around the country, food and phone credit are scarce.

In Kibera, Edwin says the rioting is slowly calming, though the atmosphere is still tense. He says two churches and three schools have been burned. Emergency crews can't get into the slum because of burning cars. He says food prices in the slum have skyrocketed. A two kilogram bag of maize meal is going for 120 shillings, up from about 50 shillings a few days ago.

Maimuma in Kisuani, a slum outside Nairobi, says there was some rioting there earlier today but the situation is generally calm. She says a couple of people were reportedly shot in a neighboring community this morning. Again, people are struggling for food.

And in Eldoret, Amos says people are still streaming into the heart of town.

I will be off-line for the next 15 hours, or so. If you want more news, check out the bloggers in the last post, or the BBC.

Midday updates from around Kenya

Some friends around the country are sending in updates to 8 Months.

With some sensitivity to the tribal lines that are currently dividing the country, here are some reports of the situation right now...

Most importantly, the opposition has apparently postponed their rally until next Tuesday. Local radio is reporting that Raila has agreed to meet with Kibaki later today.

Amos in Eldoret says, although downtown was quiet this morning, there are now truckloads of young men moving into the city center. Earlier this morning, groups of people who had been sheltering at the police station were being loaded onto police and army trucks. Amos says not all of those people have yet left town. He says the General Service Unit and the police seem to be doing little to stop the convoys of young men from going into town.

In Kibera, Felix says the slums are on fire. He was almost in tears on the phone, saying he had never expected to see that kind of violence in Kenya. He says the General Service Unit seemed not to be acting to stop any of the opposition supporters from looting, burning and beating people.

Friends of friends report that Kisumu, Kakamega and other communities in Nyanza are in the worst state. George says the outskirts of Kisumu are still quiet, though the tension is high and people are without food or credit for their phones. National radio reports that people are rioting, trying to get into downtown Kisumu.

In coast province, Paul says that people are demonstrating on the roads, in protest of the denied rally in Nairobi. This morning, downtown Mombasa was quiet. There were many closed shops and long queues where shops were open. He says markets owned by members of Kibaki's tribe have been looted and torn down in the slums neighboring his home. Apparently, members of the large East Indian community on the coast are evacuating to Nairobi and Tanzania.

The press reports from elsewhere in Nairobi are of skirmishes across the city between police and protesters, as people try to find their way around the security perimeter. Petrol stations in Kilimani, on Thika Road and other parts of town are on fire.

For more blog news and commentary, check out:

http://whiteafrican.com/?p=841

Peace-loving, peace-building

I woke up this morning, to my cell phone chiming as it received text messages from the Kenyan government about laws against hate speach. Other messages told people that it is illegal to assemble in downtown Nairobi today.

After thinking hard about the challenges of reporting from the chaos in downtown Nairobi, without a car or a big media house at my back, I decided to come out to the outskirts of town with some friends.

On our early-morning drive, groups of young men were already blowing whistles and carrying flags into town. Trucks full of the army's Genereal Service Unit were also heading into town, likely going to stop people from attending an opposition rally planned for Uhuru Park today.

Local radio and the BBC report that there are skirmishes breaking out as people try to get together to rally.

Talking with Edwin and Patrick yesterday (see yesterday's blog post), I asked both men what needs to happen for peace in Kenya.

Edwin said the government should let the people rally today. There is a human right to free assembly...

Patrick said the church leaders and the politicians need to come together to call for peace. But yesterday, opposition leader Raila Odinga refused to meet with the leaders of other political parties.

Today, some people are starting to suggest that Kenya holds another election three months from now. After four and a half months here, I am not qualified to guess how effective that might be, whether it would calm or merely postpone the violence.

After four and a half months here, I will say that I believe in Kenyans. I believe that most people here just want a little development, a little prosperity and a little peace. I believe that most people are willing to work hard and help their neighbors, whatever their tribe.

But it is Kenyans who are truly qualified to comment on their nation. So, here are what a few Kenyans had to say today about how to restore peace.

Please note, because of the situation here right now, I am choosing not to use people's last names, photos or tribal affiliations.

Mathias

"It is just up to the main political leaders, Raila, Kibaki and Kalonzo to come together and sit and figure out what to do. It is the only way."

Steven

"Kibaki is the only one who can stop this. He is our President. He has the power. He must tell people to be calm. I don't think he will accept [another election in three months], but if he really loves us, if he really loves Kenya, maybe that is the best thing to do."

Katherine

"What really needs to happen, Kibaki needs to make Raila the Vice President. The leaders need to show that different tribes can work together to guide Kenya."

Nthenge

"People just need to stay cool, to stay calm. They should not rally today. The man from South Africa [Desmond Tutu] is here now, they should wait for word from him before holding rallies."

Angela

"I think Mr. Raila should give it up and stop inciting his people to go out and cause the violence. He should seek redress from the courts. That's the constiutional thing to do. We are goerned by laws and its really stupid for him to let his people go out and do that and just watch from his home. Kenyans have spoken."

Emmy

"I think they need to do what is right by the people. It's nt about individuals. Unfortunately, the government that is in now keeps on thinking it's about individuals. They need to do what is right by the people. It is so rigged. When the people voted, they should respect what the people asked for, if it is true democracy. And who are the losers here? The women and the children and the little boys and the poor person. It never changes for the poor person and I find that disugusting. We have no Uhuru, no independence here in Kenya."

Dave

"Kibaki needs to step down. This won't calm down until Kibaki steps down. They should hold another election, soon. And they need to change the system. There shouldn't be a presidential race here. Why is there still this cult of personality? The leader of the biggest party should be President."

Haiko

"It's just taking a few weeks and everything will be fine. That's how it is. [The chaos] is just in the slums. Do you see normal people doing it? Normal people want to work. Everybody who has a job, wants to work, they want to go to work. The people who have nothing, have nothing to lose. They are the ones who are doing it."

Kenya in conflict

Two people who have been very personally affected by the violence that is flaring up in parts of the country took time to talk with me today.

Patrick is a Kikuyu businessman from Eldoret, where at least 15 people were burned to death as they were seeking refuge in a church. He, his wife, his six children and a few other members of his immediate family fled Eldoret earlier today.

Here's what he had to say about the situation in Eldoret and in Kenya as a whole...

What was the situation when you left?

The situation in Eldoret is pathetic. It is systematic annihalation of tribe, in my opinion. It actually took God to make it to the airport. Along the way, we were attacked by the Kalenkin warriors but through God�s grace and because we had requested a police escort, we barely made it through. But in the convoy that we were in, we almost lost one car. But through God�s grace, we made it to the airport. It�s been hell. I can say that.

When did you know you had to leave?

Actually, we knew that we would have wanted to have stayed because we were born and bred in Eldoret. My parents moved into Eldoret way back in 1940. So we don�t know anywhere else as home, apart from that place.

But when we realized that this had moved from the ODM, PNU conflict to something much deeper, and that the presidential elections had been used as an excuse for something else to be implemented, [for] the Kalenjins to get rid of the Kikuyus, that�s when we realized that we had to move out. That was the day before yesterday.

How did you leave?

We had to request our friends in Nairobi to come to our aid by chartering a plane because we could not access money and we didn�t have the kind of money that is needed to charter a plane. Our friends here in Nairobi came together and raised the money.

"It's whoever gets out, gets out."

Who have you left behind?

Our family is quite large. What I managed to do is to get my immediate family, my wife and my children but I have left my cousins, I have left my brothers. I am trying to communicated with my brothers to see if they can join us. But the situation is so bad that we can not say that we have to move as the whole clan. We are several hundred. We have lost several members in the conflict.

We have another small batch of relatives at the airport. They might make it today or tomorrow. We don�t know. We are still working on getting the ones who are in town because you can not get to the airport without escort. It�s an enormous challenge that we don�t� know how far we can go because the resources needed to charter this plane are enormous. It costs between 170,000 to 320,000 Kenya shillings to charter a 19-seater.

I told you that my family is expansive. I lost two of my relatives in an area, very young boys. But what was even more disheartening, was my grandmother. She has a farm in Burnt Forest. When the clashes began, they left their homes and they went to a school, the whole village. The school was surrounded by the warriors. Any second, they could have attacked the school and finished them. We cried to the police and the police did send some policemen. The warriors still insisted that they wanted to kill these people. The police brokered a deal. [The people had to walk 20 KM to the nearest town, without getting anything from their homes.] Those villagers are trapped in a small town. We can�t get them food and we can�t get them to Eldoret town. They can�t come out.

"We really fear that there might be a massacre in Eldoret in the next few days."

Patrick's wife Ruth chimes in...

There is great fear in Eldoret town because people are being pushed into one central place, at the police station and at the church. What we have seen is that they are coming now and burning the churches at the outskirts. So far, we know that three churches have been burned and they have blocked all the exits out of town such that you can not get out of Eldoret town. So there is that great fear: why are we being pushed to the center for town? What is the intention?

What we have seen in the outskirts, the violence is so much. There is no precedent for it. In 1992, in 1997, it was not this fierce [during past land clashes]. So there is that great fear among the Kikuyu community in Eldoret. Why are we being put in one central place and we can not get out? So we really fear that there might be a massacre in Eldoret in the next few days.

You are holding quite a picture on the cover of that paper�? [As we were talking, Patrick was holding a copy of today's paper in his hand. On the cover was a photo of a woman wailing outside the burnt shell of the church in Eldoret where a group of sheltering Kikuyus were killed.]

This is a very sad moment. When I made it to Nairobi and I was able to get this paper. One of my families live next to this church that was burned. Over 70 children and women were killed in this church [Media and official reports of the numbers vary widely]. It�s barely a kilometer from where some of my relatives live. It means that some of my relatives, I don�t know, maybe some were caught up in there. But so far we believe they are not caught up there.

This is a very good example of what we are talking about. We know that historically, people have warred. They have always tribe versus tribe, for many reasons, some petty, some reasonable. But we know that the house of God is a place that, across the world, people respect. According to the African culture, children and women are not killed. We also know that the Kalenjin warriors, according to their culture, because we have lived with them, they don�t kill women or children.

So when it comes to a point whereby they go to a house of God where children and women are taking refuge and they kill them there, this is taking the conflict to another level that we believe is not the presidential race.

How surprised are you by what�s happened?

I am shocked. I know the Kalenjin, they are warlike. We know, we live with them, that they have those regiments, they have warriors. But we know that they are also very peace-loving people, we know that we have inter-married with them. This is why it is very shocking that it has gone to this level.

When there was this conflict that the presidential race was unfair, rigging had taken place, we definitely expected some outcry. We definitely expected some people marching. It�s not the first time. In Kenya�s we�ve had land clashed, 1992, 1997. It�s not like it�s something that is new to us. But the level that this has been taking�

Believe me, the death count that you are reading in the newspaper, actually it is over ten times this. The attack has been undertaken all around Eldoret. All around. All the farms, all the villages. If one time, it would be possible to have a death count, we are not talking of hundreds, we are talking of thousands.

What long-term effect do you think this conflict might have in Eldoret and in the country as a whole?

We know what has happened in other countries. We know what has happened in Bosnia, what has happened in Rwanda. Let�s not lie to ourselves that maybe there will not be retaliation.

In Rwanda, when the Hutus killed the Tutsis, it was fun until the tables turned and the Tutsis started killing the Hutus. We all know how many millions have died there. The reality is that, definitely, even if it is not me, there are people who are pained. You never know, it might take ten years, and an opportunity will occur for them to revenge. You never know, anything will trigger it.

Right now, the Kikuyus might be killed and everybody is excited and it�s fine and it cools down. And even Kibaki can say he has given up the seat and it is fine, it cools down. But an opportunity one time will present itself and this will not be forgotten.

What needs to happen to build peace?

We are peace-loving country and God-fearing. It is said that over 80 percent of Kenyans are Christians. Even one of the things that came up in the campaign period was the issue of whether the leaders were Christians. Raila said he is a staunch Christian. President Kibaki said he is a staunch Catholic Christian. But I am asking, where are these pastors? Where are these pastors in Eldoret, Kalenjin pastors? Where is this Christianity?

I am shocked that pastors that had been preaching for us to be god-fearing, they are not coming out to condemn this. They are quiet as the work is being done. And when maybe everybody is down, they will come to bury us and say a very good prayer.

Because in my opinion, there is an opportunity for the church to rise above politics and take its position. How come this Christianity is not playing a role here? Why can�t I hear a Kalenjin bishop or a Kalenjin father or a Kalenjin pastor or a Kalenjin Imam, for that matter, coming out and saying"No, our religion forbids killing women and children." If it�s men, it�s another issue. You can claim they are combatants. And in any war, combatants die. But I don�t believe Christianity or Islam would agree for children and women to be killed in the house of God.

So peace-building, the church has to begin. Right now we don�t trust the political leadership. I want to confess and say, I have not seen Kibaki coming out to speak strongly about it. I want to tell you, I think Raila has said he is not concerned unless Kibaki resigns. The person who is the leader in our area, he is just quiet.

So before the politicians can even sit, I would like to see the church coming out and putting their feet down. That is the first thing.

The second thing, as we are speaking, you might get a report that the war has cooled down. But we have thousands of people camped at the police station and church compounds and they are starving to death. So as much as they were not pierced by the arrows at their farms, they are dying slowly.

If nothing is done for that, you will be lying to people, saying that there is peace.

When there are two warring parties, it always takes a third party to come in and give reason. What we are observing is the international community being silent. We know that the international community is knowing what is happening. They are taking it lightly. We know the same mistake was done in Rwanda, whereby the Rwandese started killing eachother, they cried out to the international community. The international community ignored them until up to a million Rwandans were dead.

The same story is being repeated in Eldoret. This is genocide being done in Eldoret.

________

Edwin is an 18-year-old Luo man living with his mother and two sisters in Kibera. They live in one of the poorest and oldest neighborhoods in the 700-thousand person slum.

What has been happening for the past couple of days?

After the elections, that place was very, very much disrupted, places burned, looted. Olympic shopping center, it is all down. Burned and everything taken. They started entering the estates now. No people are living there now.

Where is everybody staying?

They are starting to look at where they can get peace. Down in the slums, all people are forced out or else your house is burned. They just tell you, �You are the ones who voted Kibaki in, you are now enjoying. So, instead of enjoying and we are crying, you also, you will cry.� So they burn your house.

Yesterday things were calm, but shops were still closed. One supermarket is open but [they are only allowing two people in at a time]. Yesterday, we went to look if we could get something to eat there. But all the vegetables were finished and we were only allowed to take two packets of flour, at most. Sugar, you are only allowed to take one packet, two kilograms.

Where are you staying right now?

We are just staying down there, at the slums, Soweto. But when people are out, we have to be out. No matter the cold or whatever because that is the only way to secure your home and your properties. You have to light fire outside your house and sit out.

How are you getting by?

The last two days, after elections, we had to live with just water because there was no food. We weren�t prepared for the chaos. Yesterday we managed to get two packets of flour and people were selling vegetables. And yet, it was expensive. It brings a lot of problems.

What do you think the next few days will bring?

It�s good when people are left to go on with that rally and sort everything out. If the government stops it, it will be much more [chaos] than this. People were just quiet because of what the opposition leader said, people should be calm because they will meet on Thursday. But again yesterday the government spokesman said that they won�t be allowed in Uhuru Park. That will bring chaos here, if they are not allowed, the anger will continue. People might live like refugees in their own countries.

What have you heard about rapes and violence in Kibera?

Rapes are many because some people are taking advantage of opportunities that now people are scattered. In our area, two girls were raped. One was in a critical condition and had to be rushed to the hospital.

Some Kikuyus are being thrown out of their houses down there. People are grabbing those houses. In the process of grabbing the houses, people find themselves fighting for that also. It is one house and almost ten people want to grab that house, so they fight themselves again.

That rape case, it�s hard. Because at night, people are out, you don�t know what is going on. Lights were off. We were in blackout. It�s dark. In the morning, you find somebody was killed, two girls were raped, Even mothers, even old grandmothers, just raped.

How surprised are you by what is going on?

I�ve never seen or experienced such kind of thing. I�ve seen elections, but this one is terrible.

How much is this about politics and how much is this about tribalism?p>

Politics, this one, it is tribal. People expected that there will be a change and people wanted really a change. Considering what the president said last term... it�s a five-year term and nothing was achieved except free primary education. So as we talk politically, this thing is politically oriented. People wanted a change this time yet they didn�t get it.

When we talk about tribes� I don�t think so. In Eldoret, there�s another tribe. In Nyanza, there�s another. In Coast, there is another tribe. You find all places, people are fighting. So you can�t say that this tribe doesn�t like this tribe or whatever.

But down here in Kibera, Kikuyus don�t have a chance, truly speaking. Kikuyus are just thrown out, their things grabbed. Whether they have kids, they don�t care, they just throw you out.

You are a young man, you are probably going to be living in Kenya for the rest of your life. What concern do you have that people�s behaviour now might hurt the future of the country and your future with it?

How people are behaving and how I have seen things down there, it will take about three months now if people want to be back to normal. To build up that estate again, it will take people at least a year. Everything is destroyed.

But in the future, this thing is going to effect Kenya. Children are going to be left orphans, fatherless because of how people are fighting.

This thing, also, politically, is going to effect Kenya. Now politicians, instead of coming up with something that will help, they are trying to build on their own interest. They don�t want to see that Kenyans�s lives are at stake.

Who needs to make peace?

I would like the government, if they know that they won it fairly, they should prove it, re-tally the election. Even dialog will not help, because people wanted a change. Dialog between the President and the Opposition Leader won�t help. It�s not their Kenya. Kenya is not two people, the Opposition Leader and the President. They should re-tally. And if everything is OK, and people see that this is a fair election, not a rigged election, the situation will calm down.

Bread and Roses volume two

Bread and Roses is an ongoing oral history project that asks women two questions. What is one thing (other than cash) that would improve their quality of life? And, all practical needs aside, what is one thing that you dream of?

Here are the answers of three women I met in Kibera this week.

Hamza Ahmed, 65, shopkeeper, Kibera

What is one thing that would improve your quality of life?

To me, it�s knowledge. Because if I get knowledge, I will expand my business. Because now I am running my small kiosk and I don�t have knowledge of running [a business]. Somebody will give me 1 million and I don�t know how to use it. But if I get knowledge of using that money, I think I�ll improve.

All practical needs aside, what is one thing that you dream of?

I would like to see my children, my grandson and daughter to get higher education. At least, to be themselves, to keep themselves, not to come to me always to ask for something. And to move maybe from where we started. Now we are in slums. Maybe I will get a better place, because I am getting old. I would like to get a better place so that my life can continue.

I would like to travel outside Kenya, so that I meet other women and learn from other women: what they are doing, whether they are different from us. Then when I come back, I talk to women and I tell them how the women on the other side are. Because when you sit here, you think that women there are living in heavens. But you go there: India, South Africa, Sierra Leone, you go and see how women suffer there. Because here you see that we are the only sufferers. Let�s go there and see, and learn from them.

Zakia Yusuf, 42, unemployed, Kibera

What is one thing that would improve your quality of life?

I think, if we get something which you can do on your own. If you get support and keep on doing your own things with your own hands, you will keep on going on with your life. If I get a proper capital, get a very good place and keep on doing my own job, it will improve my life.

All practical needs aside, what is one thing that you dream of?

I think I'll move from here, get a better house. Keep my kids very good, to get a very good education. SO that even if I leave the world. the children will get a better education and be able to live their life.

Mary Kemunto, 24, business lady, Kibera

What is one thing that would improve your quality of life?

I�ll improve my business, because I like business in my life. I know it�s an earning, daily. I love to get my bread from there every day. In our country here, jobs are so minimal. I would just improve my business to become huge. I would employ two or three people, you see, I would be helping someone.

All practical needs aside, what is one thing that you dream of?

I would like to take care of those small babies or those children who don�t have both parents. I can�t say I will work for the poor people, no. I�ll only work for those people, maybe their parents are disabled, or they don�t have both parents. I would like to do that in my life.

"Sara is not as interesting as she thinks she is."

I was supposed to be writing about the near-death of my computer keeping me from working and cutting me off from my community. But a brilliant technician had returned my Toshiba (minus one GB of faulty memory) and I was back to doing what I do many evenings in Nairobi: e-mailing, chatting, researching, writing, reading, Facebooking.

I've moved around enough that my community is spread across the globe. I have close friends in London, Waterville, Vancouver, Ubud, Washington. The internet, and lately Facebook in particular, helps us stay in touch despite different time zones and limited finances.

Facebook has also widened my circle friends. It has made it possible for me to build fruitful friendships with people I knew in elementary school, in high school, in university. I can get to know people I've only met once, people who would otherwise get lost in life's unforgiving onward shuffle.

When I first started with Facebook, I was fascinated with how people construct their personas on-line. A friend says he finds Facebook interesting because it shows how people see themselves. I think it says more about how they want the world to see them. Maybe there is no difference.

Either way, there are countless psychology doctoral theses just begging to be written about it.

Of my 113 (and counting) Facebook friends, there are only a few I pay much attention to. I like to see the latest link that Ian has posted. Elena and I superpoke one another every few days. Charlie writes great status updates. Duncan is letting me beat him at Scrabulous. Alix writes beautiful poems on my wall.

Over the past year, I've gotten deeper and deeper into the site. About half of my daily messages now come through Facebook, not through traditional e-mail (I never thought I'd call e-mail traditional). Lately, a friend and I have been working on a top-secret project to build a Facebook application of our own.

It's so much part of my days now that I sometimes find myself thinking in Facebook status updates when I'm living my off-line life.

"Sara is gasping at the green of the trees."

"Sara is sssshhhhhhhhh�."

"Sara is learning how to beat up big men, Thai boxing style."

"Sara is not as interesting as she thinks she is."

Some of these Facebook friendships are multi-media. They are built and maintained through voice-over-IP services, e-mail, instant messaging, video chats. I occasionally make expensive long-distance phone calls. And, yes, sometimes I even have coffee or go for a walk with a friend.

Now that's traditional.

But as the internet�s roll in my social life grows steadily, it is easy to forget the fundamental truth of on-line communities: they are built out of personas. It is a forum where people reinforce the ideas they have about themselves, or the ideas they would like other people to have about them.

In some ways, Facebook is a never-ending school reunion.

And it was a reunion-esque entanglement that distracted me, as I was trying to write a blog posting about my computer dying.

I was messaging with an old friend, one from the haven't-seen-you-in-20-years-but-lately-talking-to-you-every-week category. When we first reunited, I was entertained by the outrageous persona on his Facebook profile. I was intrigued by how part of that persona was subtly poking fun at itself, and everyone else's persona as well.

We were idly chatting about the relative merits of Virginia Woolf, Tom Robbins, James Joyce and pornography, when the conversation veered to 20 year old personal history.

About a month ago, I had a similar conversation with another old friend. We talked about how we had hurt one another's feelings. It was an odd, texted way of making up for things that happened decades ago. It cleared the way for a new, adult friendship.

As I was talking with this persona-poking pal of mine, I started to wonder how much of his interactions with me were a subconscious attempt to settle old business. I started questioning how much of the interaction on Facebook is just people trying to prove something, trying to get revenge, trying to heal some old hurt.

When I asked the persona-poker if that was what was going on, he said, "No. I don't feel bad about it. I haven't in almost 20 years... it was part of the growing process."

I believed him but somehow that moment of doubt constellated all of my distrust of communities, on-line and elsewhere. For an instant, I considered converting to introversion.

When we were through chatting, the first thing I did was change my Facebook status.

"Sara is deeply disenchanted with Facebook and just about everything else right now."

The next thing I did was message Ian, "Can I rant to you for a second about Facebook?"

"Sure," he wrote back. "But don't be too mean. Facebook and I are tight."

I told him that I was tired of the high school reunion aspect of social networking.

"I think half of Facebook is about people trying to win some game that no one else is playing," I wrote. "Some game that everyone else left back in high school hallways."

We wrote back and forth about reunions, in real life and in cyberspace. Ian made jokes about personalities, superegos and superpowers.

I said one of the things I like about Facebook is that I can change it whenever I like, to keep up with my fluid self-concept. But I was frustrated by how some people were using it only to reinforce their fixed ideas about themselves and the world.

"I think that it's important to let ones idea of self evolve over time� into some kind of structure that's resilient, but is constantly moving and changing," he wrote. "Everyone's is, but some people hang on to some ideas without ever knowing why their knuckles are so white"

As we were chatting, I got a text message on my mobile phone. In Spain, Felix had read my status update.

"U ok if you want ill give u a call."

I sent him an e-mail that I was fine, just disillusioned.

He wrote back: "Facebook is interesting as it tends to show how people see themselves. Or what is important to them. Or even how comfortable they are about themselves."

As I read the Bobby Kennedy quote Felix had attached at the bottom of his message, another e-mail landed in my in-box.

From Ottawa, Andrew asked: "Who's bullying you on Facebook?"

I uploaded my gripes about communities, that sometimes they only seem to be people polishing their personas by rubbing up aginst other personas.

He wrote back: "That sounds like it would fit in quite nicely with my 'solipsism of modern society' rant. The sad truth of the matter is that North America has actually *become* a state of ego."

He wrote about people reinforcing their identities through careers, kids, and conspicuous consumption. Andrew, like Ian and Felix, reminded me not to take the whole thing so seriously.

I did manage to laugh a few times, not at the jokes but at the fact that, in the midst of a community confidence crisis, individuals in that community came through.

I felt a little better, and also ready to write. Not about how a dying computer threatens my access to my community, but about the risks in believing in human communities at all.

Communities are communities however they manifest. Town halls, kitchen parties, phone lines, chat rooms and electrical pulses beamed through space are all social networking sites. Communities are mental constructs. They are made up of, and only exist in, the sticky mess of human minds. The only tangible aspect of communities are the real-world actions they motivate us to take.

When I post this self-indulgent ramble, which is just another projection of my self-concept as a person with a mutable self-concept, it will go up on Facebook too. Maybe Ian will read it. Maybe Felix and Andrew will. After all, we love to read about ourselves.

If my persona-poking friend reads it, I hope he will forgive me for writing about momentarily questioning his intentions.

As for everyone else, I don't count on being any more interesting to them than they are to me. Because in my 113-person (and counting) community, there are a lot of interesting personalities, but only a few friends.